Review to a Kill

9th July 2010

Why does MayDay do it? Why does she force herself to see a film she already knows will be God-awful? You see, she has a sort of sixth sense for films. The accuracy is about 70%, but for sequels and remakes, the accuracy rises to at least 85%. The sense warned her about Predators, yet still, she went to see it. What a terrible mistake... Adding an ‘s’ to the title worked for Aliens, a cracking sequel (and better than the original, in MayDay’s opinion). However, it adds nothing to this film at all...

WHAT IF WE’RE DEAD?
For starters, this is more a ‘remake’ than a sequel, as it follows the exact same plot of the original Predator. Gang of people are hunted by Predator/Predators until two are left. MayDay won’t spoil anything by revealing who those two are, because it’s obvious who the surviving two will be, as obvious as a sledgehammer to the face. Of course, there isn’t anything essentially wrong with predictability in a film, as long as it’s rewarded. And there is no reward at the end of this film. There are several copied scenes from Predator (a spinal cord rip, the final battle between man and Predator), which cross the border from homage to lazy plagiarism. But, MayDay must slow down...there’s so much more to tell...

If only MayDay suffered a heart attack during this film. But alas, the salted popcorn trick failed to work. The film begins with an ‘invasion,’ like Predator, but you see, there’s a twist! Instead of a Predator crash landing to Earth, a human is crash landing into the Predator’s planet/hunting ground (one of the two)! However, he handily has a parachute attached to his back (and is armed to the teeth-Black Ops? Mercenary?).He meets others who have been in the same predicament, who are also military/ex-military/rogues/African death squad members. They band together, whilst trying to explain what’s happening to them. This Lost-esque situation is even subtly referenced to by one of the hunted. He asks ‘What if we’re dead?’ MayDay could talk about the characters, but really, none of them are particularly interesting, which makes their eventual death by Predator pointless. Granted, ‘Stans’, a deadly death row inmate, is pretty funny. But the majority of the actors/actress (Yes, like in Predator, there is one female character! Just the one!) seem nonplussed. Adrien Brody tries his best, but the script is subpar at best, mind-numbingly boring at worst. Alice Braga as THE WOMAN also does her best, but you can’t polish a turd of a script!

THIS PLANET IS A GAME RESERVE. AND WE’RE THE GAME
The motley crew progress through this jungle, avoiding traps set by another human (how did he have time to create all those traps, by the way) who was killed by an energy weapon. He died “Shooting everywhere...” another unsubtle reference to Predator. They eventually come face to face with the alien. However, it’s not the Predator, but awful-looking CGI demon-dogs. The dogs are terribly designed, created, and coloured. The CGI is pretty dire throughout the film. An explosion about halfway through the film looks like it was does on a PS2. As with Predator, we don’t see the actual Predator until about half an hour into the film, and in an interesting twist (the only one!), it’s the Predator we know (and love!). However, it’s chained up! Then we find out why the humans have been transported there...they are to be hunted by the Predators! Shock horror! We are then treated to another ‘homage’ to Predator, with the ‘heroes’ falling down a hill, then falling about 100 feet into water.

So far, so banal. And the hunting plot raises more than a few questions. For example, why are the humans carelessly parachuted in? We see on unfortunate chap who died because his parachute failed. Surely the Predators would want their prey at the top of their game? Surely they have a more efficient way of putting them on the planet (like placing them on the actual ground, and have them wake up still unsure of where they are?). And it does seem a lot of effort to keep transporting humans (and it seems they’ve been doing it for a few centuries). Of course, you are not meant to ask these questions, and they are not meant to be answered.















87. GUATEMALA.
Yes, THE WOMAN directly references the events in Predator, which serve only to evoke memories of the far superior original. Why do it, really? MayDay’s mentioned a few of the ‘homages’ to Predator that are dotted throughout the film, which are poorly executed. And this direct reference immediately made MayDay switch off. It must have been forty minutes in, and yet nothing had grabbed her attention. Think of the original Predator: you’ve had a dozen or so memorable lines (Stick Around! You used to be somebody I could trust! Ain’t got time to bleed!), a slow-building suspense, and a thrilling action scene (the assault on the rebel encampment). And you’ve had a host of memorable characters, from the nervous, obscene-joke spewing Hawkins, to the MAN, Jesse Ventura (Blain). There’s nothing of this forty minutes into Predators. The most memorable character is Noland, played brilliantly by Morpheus (he plays Laurence Fishburne in real life). He adds to the nice comedy moments that flow throughout the film, which are probably the most consistent tone of the film. He takes a leaf out of William Shatner’s book to give the audience a hilarious delight.

However, the various moments of comedy throughout the film do not add anything positive to the film (apart from making it less risibile). They only add to the uneven tone of the film. Nothing seems consistent. We are given various actions scenes, awkwardly spliced with moments of drama (where the mercenary becomes the hero, the ex-con becomes the hero, etc). Nothing quite gels together, and even the action scenes do not grab your attention. We are ‘treated’ to a terrible Predator vs. Predator showdown, and a final Man vs. Predator (guess which Man survives to the end! It’s easy...) showdown which is not a patch on the Man vs. Predator showdown of Predator. Everything is blasé, been done before, and been done better. Lame, lame, lame.

THERE IS NO HUNTING LIKE THE HUNTING OF MEN
...and those who have hunted men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. Hemingway in a trashy science fiction film? Yes, Adrien Body has this line, presumably because he won an Oscar. But this quote can tell us a lot about Hollywood and film franchises. Sequels/reboots/remakes are essentially Hollywood’s bait; they build upon a safe concept that people will flock to see. Think of 2010: we have remakes of The Karate Kid, The A-Team, sequels to Shrek, Toy Story, Predator...In this instance, hunting men is not for trophy collections, but to increase monetary intake. Those people, who’ve had money long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. And that’s why we are subjected to remake after unimaginative remake, sequel after unimaginative sequel. Hollywood’s always had a taste for hunting men, and this is just one more example of their bait. Of course, MayDay took the bait, like she always does. And instantly regretted it. On some level, Predators is vaguely enjoyable. However, on every other level, it is a terrible film. Everything feels wrong, from the Predator design to the script to the CGI to the tone. And even worse, the ending begged for a sequel. MayDay vowed never to watch the Alien vs Predator films (a vow which she’s never broken), and perhaps she should have made the same vow for Predators...watch it if you dare. But at least there were no allusions to terrorism, 9/11, Afghanistan or Iraq. We can all be thankful for that.

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